Insight for Moms who Struggle with Infertility

I’d love to share some of the thoughts and observations that I have gathered over the past 5+ years of working closely with women experiencing infertility.

The experience of loss can be isolating and painful. Loss of the life we thought we would have by now, loss of something, loss of someone, loss of our own confidence and loss of our own sense of clarity.

The first concept to touch on today is “what to say and what not to say” to someone navigating loss.

There is a famous social worker and researcher named Brene Brown who’s main area of expertise is around shame and vulnerability. From her research, she shared that, "Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with the words 'at least.' And.. "When we use 'at least,' we’re trying to paint over pain with a layer of reason or positivity. That is not empathy—it’s a way to discharge our own discomfort by minimizing someone else’s." 

Here are my top 3 favorite ways to show up for a woman navigating grief and fertility issues:

#1 - “Would you like to talk about it? I’d love to listen.”

#2- Do some of the work for them in a difficult conversation. Things like “I remember you were thinking about trying a new doctor, how is that going?”

#3- And a simple classic, one of my personal favorites- “That sounds exhausting.”

Let’s move along with the second topic to touch on together:

Here is How to Talk to Yourself During this Time….

Self-Compassion is a great skill to use in any hardship throughout life but I often find that the way society teaches self-compassion is like asking someone to be on step 10 when they are still on step 2. For example, it is factually true that infertility is a medical condition. However, someone who is in the depths of infertility and loss will likely not find that to be comforting. The message of “something is wrong with me” doesn’t just disappear because a statistic says so.

Here is what acceptance is NOT: It is not co-signing what is happening, or welcoming an undesirable outcome or tolerating any of it. It’s an intentional practice I teach in the therapy room that stops the pain from snowballing into suffering.

So, what does acceptance sound like? I would suggest that it sounds like-

Labeling the experience as “this really sucks/ this is really hard” instead of saying “what is wrong with me”?

Deciding “I am not good enough,” when the more neutral and more honest truth would be, “I can start learning that I am good enough again”.

You might say, “What if this is something I can handle even when I don’t have my confidence and all I feel is anxiety in this process?” This phrasing helps label the fear, not dismiss the reality, while also gently offering more perspective to your processing.

 No matter what stage of the motherhood journey my clients are on, I often sit with my them in the perspective of ‘These are facts. This is information to notice. And the facts you are facing don’t  automatically equal a deep dive into what you could’ve done better or what you should have done differently to change the outcome.’

My hope is that you finish reading this knowing your grief is valid and your pace in processing the grief is yours to honor. My hope is that we all continue to choose connection over comparison, and allow yourself to be at step 2 if you’re not fully ready to be at step 10.

For more information and support, contact us here