Moving from Reactive Mode into Intentional Parenting
Written by Erin Randol, MSW, LCSW
Some days feel like too much. The noise, the mess, the pressure to be calm when you’re anything but. Many of the moms I work with feel like they’re walking a tightrope between who they want to be and how they actually respond in the moment.
If you're an anxious mom or a woman who grew up with emotionally immature parents, you're probably doing the hard work of trying to parent differently. You want to raise kids who feel safe, understood, and connected. You want to model emotional regulation, but your nervous system is overloaded. This blog offers reflection points and strategies to help you move from reacting out of habit into parenting in a way that feels more aligned with your values.
What Are You Teaching Without Realizing It?
Parenting is not just about what you say. Your kids are watching how you respond when things fall apart. Are you modeling emotional regulation? Asking for help? Taking care of your needs?
Try asking yourself:
What do I want my kids to learn from me?
If I were honoring my core values today, what would that actually look like?
What would change in my routines or relationships if I trusted that value to guide me?
These questions help clarify what matters to you as a parent, even when the day doesn’t go as planned.
Labeling the Chaos
It’s common to feel overstimulated, unhinged, or irritable. Sometimes it looks like mom rage. Sometimes it looks like shutting down. These reactions make sense when you're carrying too much and trying to meet everyone's needs at once.
The goal is not to eliminate those feelings but to name them with honesty:
“Of course I’m ticked off. I thought bedtime would go smoother and now I feel behind on everything else.”
“That makes sense. I tend to get ragey when I feel like it’s all on me.”
This kind of acceptance does not mean you approve of yelling or losing your cool. It simply interrupts the shame spiral and gives you a starting point to respond with intention instead of defaulting to old patterns.
Honoring Your Values in Real Time
You can begin to parent with more intention by catching the mental habits that keep you stuck:
Are you judging your entire day based on one hard moment?
Are you only measuring what didn’t get done instead of noticing what effort was made?
Can you validate your overstimulation without turning it into a story about failure?
For example, “The birthday party sounds like more chaos than connection to me. That doesn’t make me a bad mom. That’s just information about my capacity right now.”
This is how you begin to move from reacting to parenting in a way that reflects what matters most to you.
You are not failing. You are parenting with insight, in real time, while carrying your own emotional history. That is not easy work, but it is meaningful work. If you are ready to step out of survival mode and create space for clarity, regulation, and growth, I’d be honored to support you.
